


Ever Present Past

by ahopper84, themayqueen



Category: Everybody Else (Band), Hanson (Band), Phantom Planet
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Brother/Brother Incest, Character Death, Children, Divorce, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, M/M, Multi, Sibling Incest, Suicide, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:33:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8884006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahopper84/pseuds/ahopper84, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: Taylor thought he had hit rock bottom when his wife left him. Now, the life he has built with Zac and the daughter they are raising together is at risk, threatened by their very own parents and the demons Taylor thought he'd kept at bay.





	1. January 19, 2004

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boomersoonerash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Past Is Just A Goodbye](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1948014) by [sparkinside (boomersoonerash)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside). 



> Please pay attention to the chapter titles; the story skips back and forth in time and the titles will tell you when each individual chapter is set.

Taylor heard the front door opening and closing. He lifted his head from the couch just enough to see his wife walking into the living room, their son on her hip and a rolling suitcase being dragged behind. His vision was blurry, but the disdain on her face was clear enough. Panic should have been rising in his throat; she was home early, and there was no way to hide how he’d spent the weekend.

“Babe, you’re out of-” Alex’s voice came from the hallway, trailing off. Taylor glanced back to see him standing there, bathrobe open enough to show that it was the only thing he wore. He looked at Tay, then Nat. He stared her down for a second, and she him, until he turned back towards the bedroom. She let out a long sigh and Tay looked her way again.

“Nat,” he started, but she held up a hand.

“You told me you were done,” she said. Her tone was so icy he shivered. He didn’t know if she was referring to Alex specifically, or to what always came along with him. Not that he could deny either one; the proof of the latter was right there on the family heirloom coffee table, and if Alex’s appearance wasn’t enough evidence of the former, his own naked form was.

“I thought I was.” He let his head fall back to the couch, his eyes closing. He heard Nat’s steps retreating into their son’s room, her voice whispering something to him. Taylor knew he needed to get up, to put some clothes on and try to clean up his mess. His entire _life_ was a mess, and he knew he had no one to blame but himself. 

His limbs felt like lead as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. His head was pounding and his lungs struggled to fill with air. His eyes stung like he’d gone swimming in a pool of sand. Tiny shafts of light sneaked past the boundaries of the curtains, piercing the otherwise near-dark room. Taylor looked around as his vision began to come into focus. The table was littered with remnants from the past two days’ partying; an empty vodka bottle, a pair of shot glasses, a rolled up bill. A few stray traces of powder, which Taylor felt at once drawn to and repulsed by. A couple foil packages lay on the carpet, unopened, forgotten in the heat of the moment. 

It was like a twisted tableaux of all his failings as a husband and as a man, all laid out for him to reflect on. 

He heard footsteps again, too heavy to be Natalie’s. Alex threw him a glance, a smirk and a wink, as he passed him by. The front door opened and closed a moment later with a dull thud. A few more minutes passed by, and Taylor started to wonder where Nat was. He looked around for some sort of clothing, finding a pair of boxers--maybe his, maybe not--half-under the couch. He pulled them on and stood, his knees cracking like firewood.

A feeling of dread sunk in as he made his way down the hall to the bedroom. He could hear noises, rustling of fabric and clinking of metal. As he reached the doorway he saw Natalie standing by the closet, flipping through her wardrobe. He was about to ask what she was looking for when she grabbed as many hangers as she could, carrying them in a pile over to the bed. Next to the two empty suitcases.

“Nat?” he asked, his voice cracking. She paused for a moment, but then resumed folding each piece of clothing and placing it in one of the cases. She didn’t look up from her task, even as he crossed the room to her side. She tensed a bit as he approached her, but still refused to look at him.

“If you want to kill yourself, I’m not going to stand in your way anymore. But I’ll be damned if you take me and Ezra with you.”

Taylor had nothing to say. She was right, as always. He had always battled with his inner demons, and where he should have taken strength from his family, instead he ran into the arms of another man and the drugs he was all too happy to provide. 

Taylor thought back, tried to pinpoint where it had all gone wrong. He had been a different person once, full of life and hope. When had everything gone sour? Was it the teen pregnancy? No, he had technically met Alex first. Was it the party where he had met his dealer-turned-lover? No, it had been his desperate need to escape that had led to the fateful meeting. 

Maybe it was just a sickness he had been born with, something in his head telling him he was never enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough. He could never live up to the standards his parents set, or the even higher ones he set for himself. There were days when the voices in his head were almost too much to bear. So he had tried to fill the void with anything and everything. Drugs, a man, a woman… a child. His family had been so proud of him, for settling down with a nice girl and setting a good example. His parents praise should have eased his suffering, if not prevented it entirely, but instead it made him sick. He was living a lie, and had been all his life.

He still was; he had just managed to drag Natalie and Ezra into the lie. He and his wife played house for the rest of Taylor’s family, he the doting and devoted father and husband, she the loving, supporting wife. But behind closed doors, it couldn’t have been more different. He was no role model. Not for his younger siblings, and certainly not for his son. He could barely take care of himself; how was he supposed to take care of another person?

He stepped back and watched her work. He should’ve tried to stop her, or at least helped, or gone to hold his son for what could be the last time. But he just didn’t have the energy, for any of it. He was an empty shell, and worse, a burden. Poison to everything he touched. It was for the best, he told himself. They would be better off without him.


	2. May 26, 2007

Zac groaned, rolling over and shielding his eyes from the sunlight streaming through his blinds. He realized he must have slept later than intended, judging by the fact that it was clearly daylight out, but he reasoned that it couldn’t have been too late since neither Taylor nor Cecily had come in to drag him back into the waking world.

As if the very thought of his name were enough to summon him, the sound of jangling keys turning in the apartment door signaled Taylor’s return from his early morning shift at the coffee shop just down the block. 

“Zac?” He called out. “Cess?”

Zac sighed, not wanting to leave the comfort of their bed but also comforted by the sound of Taylor’s voice. He ran a hand through his hair as he pulled himself to his feet and out of bed, not caring if he messed it up. He hadn’t quite gotten the hang of short hair yet, but he knew Taylor loved his, as he called it, bedhead.

“Catching up on your sleep?” Taylor asked, raising and eyebrow and grinning at Zac as he came down the hallway.

“Cecily woke up after you left,” Zac replied. “She’s back down now, though it’s anyone’s guess how long she’ll stay that way now that her Tay-Tay is home.”

“Well, her Tay-Tay is exhausted,” Taylor countered, collapsing onto the couch. He dug around in his messenger bag for a moment, then pulled out a fistful of papers. “I checked our mail on the way in. I think there’s something here about your scholarships for next semester. It looked important.”

Zac flopped down on the couch next to Taylor and took the envelope from him. Sure enough, it was a notice from Oklahoma State, reminding him to make sure he had all the necessary paperwork turned in to continue getting his scholarships in the fall. The spring semester had barely ended and they were already worried about the fall. If he didn’t enjoy studying art so much, and didn’t feel like he needed to do _something_ now that the band was over, Zac wasn’t sure he would bother with college at all.

“Oh, god,” Taylor breathed out, his voice shaky. “Oh, holy fucking shit.”

Zac turned to look at him, and found his brother deathly pale, his mouth hanging open as if in shock. “What is it, Tay?”

“They’re going to take Cecily from us.”

“What?” Zac asked, certain he must have heard Taylor incorrectly.

“Our parents,” Taylor replied, shoving an unfolded letter into Zac’s face. “They’re going to try to take her. Read it for yourself.”

Zac did, and quickly realized Taylor hadn’t exaggerated at all. Their parents had filed for custody of their daughter, Cecily Parker Hanson. The court date was only three months away. 

Cecily had been born at the end of a dark time in both of their lives, little over a year after the end of the band and Taylor’s marriage. Zac’s girlfriend at the time had talked the two of them into something that changed their lives forever, in more way than one. In truth, neither of them knew who the father was, although Daniela had it made quite clear that she blamed Zac. That was the last thing she had said to him at the hospital, and it had been the last time he had ever seen her. 

It wasn’t all bad, though. Both he and Taylor had come to realize that Cecily was the best thing that could have happened to them. Meeting her had pulled Taylor out of his downward spiral, and he had vowed to keep her and Zac safe. For the last two years, he had. Although he couldn’t legally adopt her, the two brothers had taken whatever other legal steps they could to ensure that Taylor would be a part of Cecily’s life forever. 

And now their parents wanted to take that from them, it seemed.

“There’s no way they can get away with this,” Zac said decisively.

“Why not? Seems like they have it all figured out,” Taylor replied, pointing to the letter Zac still held. “It isn’t like this is the first time they’ve implied I was unfit and a bad influence.”

Zac shook his head. “They can say what they want, but Cecily is ours. There’s no question about that as far as I’m concerned. But—”

“But it’s me they want her away from,” Taylor said, his voice breaking. “And most of what they say about it is right. You know it is. The things I did, the way I let my marriage end and didn’t even fight for custody of Ezra—it’s all on the record. I can’t argue with any of it. And if they say I’m a bad influence on you… what can I say to fight that?”

“You can say whatever you need to say,” Zac replied, removing Taylor’s hand from the letter and intertwining their fingers. “Whatever happens, whatever they try to say, we know the truth. We know what we’re doing here isn’t wrong. It isn’t our fault if no one else understands that.”

“But it might be our problem soon,” Taylor said softly, his eyelashes fluttering as he lowered his head, not meeting Zac’s eyes.

“And if it is, we’ll face it then. For now, we’ll keep doing what we’ve been doing: raising our beautiful daughter together.”

Taylor finally glanced up, his eyes filled with tears but a small smile on his lips. “She got those looks from you, you know.”

“Nah,” Zac replied, shaking his head. “That’s all you. But keep telling me that; you know flattery will get you everywhere.”

“Will it get me a cup of coffee?” Taylor asked, batting his eyelashes.

Zac laughed and rolled his eyes, but nevertheless stood up and walked into their kitchen. He didn’t know how Taylor could stand to drink the stuff when he was surrounded by it every day and came home smelling like he’d rolled around in it. But he did, and he kept a stash of every flavor imaginable. Zac popped a tiny pod that claimed to be Boston cream pie flavored into the machine and turned back to face the living room as he waited for it to brew.

Either their voices, the sound of the coffee machine springing to life or both seemed to have woken Cecily. She came bounding into the living room, her blonde hair sticking out in at least as many directions as Zac was sure his was, and landed right in Taylor’s lap.

“Hey, princess,” Taylor said, and although Zac could hear the sadness in his voice, he hoped that Cecily couldn’t. 

Truthfully, Zac didn’t know what would come of the court case, but he knew it wouldn’t be good. Taylor had made a lot of progress over the last few years, but it seemed he was always on thin ice. It would take precious little to break the surface and send him into another downward spiral. 

Zac could honestly say, though, that he had never expected their family to take this step. They had made it clear that they didn’t approve of Zac not trying harder to make Daniela stay, and if they’d had it their way, he was sure he would have been forced up the aisle with her just as Taylor had been with Natalie—for all the good _that_ had done.

Their parents could force Taylor into as many marriages as they wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t straight. 

As for Zac… no one had said it in so many words, but he was sure they blamed Taylor for supposedly corrupting him. They had never dared to make any sort of declarations or come out to their family, but it hardly seemed necessary. Their judgment was loud and clear, whether their assumptions were correct or not.

Cecily’s loud giggles brought Zac out of his bleak thoughts.

“No, you’re going to be the princess this time!” She squealed, tugging on Taylor’s hand to try to pull him off the couch.

“He can be the princess after he drinks his coffee,” Zac said loudly, holding up the now full cup.

Taylor shot Zac a look of gratitude, then turned back to Cecily. “Why don’t you go ahead and pick out the prettiest tiara for me? I’ll be in there in just a minute.”

Zac couldn’t resist laughing as Cecily scurried off to her bedroom and Taylor made his way to the kitchen almost as quickly, his hands extended toward the coffee cup when he was still a yard away. Zac handed it over gladly, still smiling.

“Thank you,” Taylor said. “I’m really going to need this if I’m going to get a makeover from Cess. The longer I can delay that the better.”

“You’re welcome,” Zac replied, chuckling softly. The sound died out quickly, and he put a hand on Tay’s arm. “You know we’re going to get through this, right? Whatever they throw at us, we’ll get through it. She’s ours, and I happen to think we’re doing a damn good job raising her. It won’t be easy, but like hell am I letting them take away either of the two best things to happen to me.”

Taylor gave Zac a weak smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and nodded. “I hope you’re right.”

Zac returned his smile, hoping his own looked more genuine. Zac knew it wouldn’t be easy, and it would certainly get worse before it got better, but he had to believe they would get through this latest obstacle. They hadn’t been through all they had been through just for it to be ripped away from them like this.


	3. May 29, 2004

Taylor didn’t know how he had let Zac talk him into this. He had been keeping to himself lately, ever since the divorce. Everything around him was just another reminder of his failures. He was trying, though. He had stopped talking to Alex, at least, and that meant staying clean, too. But that just meant he had too much time in his own head, with nothing to distract him from his demons.

His family meant well, but Taylor guessed he had put on too good of an act before. Taylor hadn’t wanted to worry or put too much stress on anyone, so he’d always kept his insecurities to himself. The downside of that, was his parents--his mother in particular--kept telling him not to worry, that it was “just a rough patch” and they’d work it out somehow. They had no idea it was completely Taylor’s own fault Natalie had left and that she wasn’t coming back. All their kind words and reassurances only made Taylor crawl more into himself, hating himself for lying to all of them whenever he smiled and nodded.

To his complete surprise, Zac was the only thing keeping him sane lately. His younger brother was always trying to get him to hang out, inviting him to the movies or the park or any other seemingly random distraction he could think of. Taylor didn’t know where he’d be without Zac’s positive influence, but probably nowhere good. Whenever he got the urge to text Alex, or indulge in any other self-destructive behaviours, he texted Zac instead. He was a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel Taylor seemed to be perpetually stuck in.

That was probably why he found himself there, pacing back and forth in the small hotel room, waiting for Zac and his girlfriend to show up. It was an absolutely insane idea, and Taylor had been surprised when Zac came to him, red-faced and hiding behind his shaggy hair, to tell him about the fantasy his girlfriend had mentioned. 

“I know it’s been a while for you,” Zac had said quietly, his cheeks pink. “And… well, you just seem so… empty, lately. Like you’re sleepwalking through everything. I just thought, maybe… this might wake you up.”

The sound of the hotel room door opening startled Taylor out of his memories. He looked up and saw Zac walking in with his girlfriend, Daniela. Zac carried a bottle of alcohol--tequila, Taylor realized upon closer inspection. He didn’t know where Zac had gotten it; he didn’t want to know, really. He had a bad enough feeling about what was about to go down already.

“Hey,” Zac said, a shy grin on his lips and a sway in his step. Apparently they had started the party without him, Taylor thought sourly. “Drink?”

“Sure.” Taylor took the bottle and opened it, taking a long swig. It burned his throat, the taste not one he preferred, but as long as it did the trick he didn’t care. He needed to not be sober for this. He almost wished he had some powder, but he shook away the thought and took another sip. He could feel both pairs of eyes on him. Daniela was eyeing him like a piece of meat, which made his stomach turn a little. When he looked at Zac though, all he saw was concern, with a hint of… something else. Zac looked away before he could figure out what, though.

“So,” Daniela said, taking the bottle from Taylor and sitting on the edge of the bed. She took a sip, her eyes glued to Taylor as she licked her lips slowly. Zac moved to sit next to her, looking back and forth from her and Taylor.

“Come sit with us?” Zac said, sounding far, far too innocent for the situation at hand. Taylor’s feet carried him across the room, but he was torn between who to sit next to. Daniela made the decision for him, giggling as she grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down next to her.

“You never said he was so shy,” she said to Zac. She passed the bottle back to Taylor, who took another sip. He looked at Zac, who was again wearing an expression somewhere between apprehension and fascination. There was no question what was on his girlfriend’s mind, though, her face painted with blatant lust as she watched Taylor swallow back the alcohol.

Taylor jumped a little when he felt Daniela’s hand on his thigh. Zac reached over and took the bottle, his eyes on Taylor’s as he took a long drink. Taylor kept his eyes on him, even as Daniela leaned forward and pressed her lips to his cheek. Taylor tried to focus on her as she turned his head, smiling before pressing her lips to his, but even though it was his first kiss in months, his eyes still darted back to his brother. Maybe he was looking for permission, or acceptance, or something else; he wasn’t sure, but Zac gave a nod, and that was good enough for Taylor.

He let his eyes fall closed as he began to kiss back, earning a delighted squeal from Daniela. Tentatively he placed a hand on her knee, but started to pull back when he felt Zac’s hand already there. Zac stopped him, covering his hand with his own. Taylor broke the kiss to look at his brother; Zac’s cheeks were red and his head was down, but his eyes met Taylor’s and he smiled a little.

Daniela kissed a trail down the side of Taylor’s neck, her tongue washing over his skin in a way that made him shiver. Despite all the mental blocks, it felt really good, the first real physical contact Taylor had had in months. Zac’s stare intensified the sensations somehow, the roughness and weight of his hand on Taylor’s a sharp contrast against the soft wetness of Daniela’s mouth on his neck. Taylor reached over and took the bottle, the burn of the tequila adding another layer of sensory distraction.

Daniela turned her attention to Zac, kissing his neck the same way she’d done to Taylor. Zac’s eyes fell closed, his fingers tensing over Taylor’s. Taylor felt so voyeuristic as he watched them, even moreso when Zac turned his head to kiss his girlfriend on the mouth. But there was a thrill to it, too, especially when Zac cracked one eye open to stare back at him. Taylor felt Zac’s fingers lace between his own, and he turned his hand over, letting their fingers intertwine. Zac’s lips curled into a bit of a smile as he deepened the kiss, and Taylor shivered.

Taylor leaned over to kiss Daniela’s neck, and she mewled in response. He could smell her perfume, spicy and almost too strong. He heard her moan softly and glanced up, a little surprised to see Zac mirroring his actions on her other side. Zac kept a hold of his hand and brought it up her body, separating slowly, almost reluctantly, once they reached her breasts. Taylor moved on auto-pilot as he gently squeezed. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to touch a woman’s body, and a dark part of his mind laughed at the hint of revulsion. It was something he simply refused to admit to, even to himself.

Zac seemed just as hesitant, waiting barely a minute before reaching for Tay’s hand again. Together they caressed her, her moans and squeals becoming background noise. Taylor pulled back, a little breathless, but her hand on his shirt pulled him to her, crushing their lips together. He could taste the tequila on her tongue, the flavor no better than from the bottle. She finally released him and he backed up, taking a couple drinks and letting Zac take over for a bit.

Zac pulled away not long after, his breathing heavy and his eyes dark. Daniela took the bottle of tequila and scooted back on the bed, draping herself over the pillows as she took a long drink. She set the bottle aside and beckoned to both of them; Zac looked at Taylor and smirked, his shyness apparently overtaken in the heat of the moment.

The two of them crawled up the bed, lying on either side of Daniela. They took turns kissing her, hands running up and down her body. Zac reached for Taylor’s hand again, and together they lifted her shirt up and off. Zac leaned down and kissed her chest, his eyes once again on Taylor’s as he dragged his tongue across her skin. He guided their hands, turning Tay’s palm down to smooth over her stomach. 

Taylor could definitely appreciate how attractive Zac’s girlfriend was, even if he wasn’t particularly attracted _to_ her. He was doing this for Zac, because Zac had asked; because he’d seemed so desperate to do something, anything to help Taylor. It was for him that Taylor struggled to let himself go, to give in to the experience. And maybe there was a chance Zac was right, and this would be the spark that would reignite Taylor’s passion, if even for one night. He doubted it, but for Zac’s sake he was willing to try.

Taylor took another drink as he watched Zac kiss every part of his girlfriend's chest. Zac took the bottle and tipped it against Daniela’s lips, then kissed her slowly, their tongues mingling between parted lips. Taylor got the impression it was as much for his benefit, a torrid show meant to draw him in. Zac then turned his attention to Taylor, offering him a drink the same way he had for Daniela. 

And just as he had with her, Zac was quick to replace the bottle with his own mouth. Taylor gasped and froze, but there was an almost pained longing in Zac’s eyes, so strong that Taylor felt it in his chest. Slowly, he moved his lips against Zac’s, and felt more than heard him moan in response. Part of him realized he should have seen this coming; a threeway isn’t complete unless there’s sharing all around, after all. But he’d never thought about Zac that way, and he hadn’t thought Zac had, either. The thrill he felt as they kissed was impossible to deny, however, his body reacting more strongly than it had so far all night. 

The three of them took turns kissing and feeding each other drinks, hands roaming. Clothes were shed piece by piece; Taylor tried not to stare, but he couldn't help taking notice of how much Zac had grown. He was a man now, no longer a boy, and that thought both excited and disturbed him. 

As reality started to soften around the edges, Taylor found it easier to let go. That first kiss had been a watershed moment, and every one after came more easily, with more eagerness and intensity. He didn't hesitate when Zac’s hand joined Daniela’s in his hair, or when his lips found their way to Taylor’s neck. When Zac dragged his nails down his chest, his back arched, the low, needy moan he let out surprising them both. 

Daniela seemed thrilled by the chemistry between them as she vied with Zac for Taylor’s attention. She guided their hands--often joined, and never far apart--across her body, her neck, her breasts, eventually bringing them between her legs. Taylor marveled at the sensation of being so close to him, so connected, in such an erotic moment. Together Zac and Taylor brought her to the edge, her cries echoing throughout the room, but at the point of climax, their harmonizing moans were muffled against each other's lips.

It was Taylor that Zac stared at as his girlfriend pushed him onto his back, wrapping her lips around him and taking him to the hilt. Not that she was being entirely ignored, but Taylor couldn't help feeling a competitive edge to Zac's smirk, a challenge laced under every growl and moan. Taylor tried to tell himself it was the girl writhing between them that had him more turned on than he could ever remember being, but even he didn’t believe that lie. 

The bottle was nearly empty when Daniela directed Taylor to lay down beneath her. She crawled on hands and knees between his legs, giving Zac a wink. He nodded and moved behind her, positioning himself. His eyes were on Taylor's when he entered her, as she lowered her mouth onto him. The two of them moved in sync, and Taylor couldn't take his eyes off of Zac's. There was a fire in them, and it made Taylor moan far more than the girl's lips or tongue. His head fell back against the pillows and the image in front of him blurred. The girl all but faded from view, and all he could see was Zac, with his hungry eyes, snarling and thrusting above him. 

He barely registered when Daniela gave up trying to please him, so distracted by how good Zac was. The three of them moaned in chorus as Zac sped up, the rhythmic pulse of skin on skin growing more frantic. Zac cursed, the word sounding foreign to Taylor's ears, both vulgar and beautiful, as his body tensed, the muscles in his arms and chest quivering. He pushed away from Daniela and collapsed next to Taylor, their arms and hips touching. Zac’s skin was warm, and Taylor had the urge to curl into him like a blanket, despite the sheen of sweat coating his skin.

Daniela had other plans, breathlessly begging Taylor to take Zac’s place. Reluctantly he knelt behind her, guiding himself in with ease. The knowledge of burying himself inside her while she was still full with Zac’s seed sent a confused, hazy mix of emotions through Taylor. Zac’s moan brought him back to attention as he looked down to see Daniela stroking his already half-recovered erection. When Zac gave him a nod and a smile, Taylor began to thrust.

Daniela put on a show, moaning and calling out his name, but Taylor got the impression she was being less than sincere. He was obviously not as invested in her pleasure as Zac was, and it had been too long since he’d tried to fake it. With Natalie, he’d had his reasons, regrettable as they had ended up being. But at least he’d liked her; he barely knew this girl, and the only reason he was doing this at all was because of Zac. 

With a sickening twist in his gut, Taylor realized there was no way he would be able to finish, not like this. 

He tried his best, reaching between her legs to compensate, but her moans became less natural, more forced. He could feel the waves of disappointment and judgement coming off her, each one chipping away at the mental high he’d been riding all night. He closed his eyes, praying for the strength to just get through this. He heard her sigh, frustration clumsily masked under a guise of gratification, and he felt his eyes begin to water. Once again, he was a failure.

He felt the bed shift, but didn’t think anything of it until he felt Zac’s hand covering his own. He froze and opened his eyes, finding Zac kneeling behind him. He moved in close until his chest was pressed against Taylor’s back, his other hand wrapping around his chest. What made Taylor gasp wasn’t the physical contact, but the look in Zac’s eyes. Gone was the dark, primal hunger, replaced with soft concern, and something else Taylor was afraid to identify.

“Come on, Tay,” Zac whispered in his ear, his lips grazing his jaw. “You can do this.”

Slowly, Taylor began to move again. Zac sighed in his ear, whispering words that were at once erotic and soothing. When he shifted forward, Taylor felt Zac’s hardness pressed against him, and he trembled. They moved in tandem, Taylor thrusting into Daniela with renewed vigor, Zac keeping pace behind. Taylor closed his eyes and leaned his head back against Zac’s shoulder, while Zac planted feather-light kisses up and down his neck. 

Their breathing became ragged as they picked up speed. Zac’s hand on Taylor’s chest moved down to his hip, his fingers digging in as he rocked his own hips against him. Taylor mentally blocked out Daniela entirely, focusing solely on Zac’s body moving against his own. He turned his face towards Zac and their lips met in a deep kiss. He felt his eyes misting again, but for entirely different reasons as he stared at Zac. 

“That’s it, don’t stop… Tay…” Zac’s grip on Taylor’s hip tightened, and at the same time Taylor felt his own body tense up, every nerve wound to the breaking point.

“Z-Zac…”

Blue and brown eyes mirrored each other as the rest of the world faded away, the peak of rapture striking them in the same moment.

The last thing Taylor remembered before the darkness closed in was Zac’s lips against his, whispering words too beautiful, too undeserved, to be anything more than a fevered dream.


	4. June 13, 2007

Zac had been nervous all day, unable to focus on his summer classes. He wasn’t sure why, but he had one of those nagging feelings that something was wrong, and there was nothing he could do about it while he was stuck in a classroom. 

The past few weeks had been fairly uneventful, aside from the news that their parents wanted to take Cecily away from him and Taylor. They had come to visit a few days after that, acting as though nothing were wrong, and offering to take Cecily for the weekend, claiming they didn’t get enough time with her. Zac managed to swallow down his anger and not point out that they were obviously trying to spend even more time with her. Although they had ignored Taylor’s pleas not to fill her up with sugar and sweets, they had otherwise acted as though nothing were wrong.

Zac couldn’t say why exactly he felt as though everything were off, but he could not shake the feeling. It was such a strong feeling that he ducked out of his last class during a break and hurried home, hoping that seeing Taylor again would make him feel better. He knew Taylor had the day off and would be home with Cecily. Between the two of them, they would surely be able to ease his worried mind.

That nagging feeling came back as soon as he inserted the key in their apartment door and realized it wasn’t locked at all. That awful tingle creeping up his spine, he pushed the door open and surveyed the scene in front of him. Cecily was planted in front of the television, a stuffed bear cradled close and Spongebob on the screen. He opened his mouth to ask her where Taylor was, but a dark laugh from the kitchen told him all he needed to know.

The voice was somewhat unfamiliar, yet Zac knew immediately who it was.

Sure enough, Taylor and Alex were seated at the table, bottles of beer open in front of them and a suspicious white powder on the table. Zac felt his heart sink as Taylor slowly raised his head, his eyes so glassy that Zac wasn’t sure he even knew who he was looking at.

“You need to go,” Zac said, turning to face Alex. There was a cold edge to his voice that surprised even him, and it seemed to be just enough to convince Alex he was serious.

“Alright, alright,” Alex said, tossing down his rolled up dollar bill and standing up. “I know when I’m not wanted.”

Zac grabbed his arm as he tried to pass him in the doorway. “If he isn’t okay, I swear to god I—“

“He’ll be fine,” Alex replied. “Just enough to take the edge off, you know? A little painkiller. No more than he needed.”

Zac let go of Alex as though he had been burned; he wasn’t sure that he hadn’t. Zac didn’t need to ask why Taylor needed a painkiller, and if Zac were honest, it didn’t really surprise him that their parents’ actions had pushed Taylor down the same dark path he had been down years before. 

It was that realization that prevented Zac from even being all that angry with them, even though he knew he should have been. Without another word to Taylor, he rushed back to the living room and scooped Cecily up in his arms, holding her tightly as though his embrace could protect her from everything threatening to destroy the little family he had built with her.

“Everything okay, Daddy?” She asked, and Zac hated that she was so perceptive.

“Of course,” he said, forcing a smile. “But I think it’s naptime, don’t you?”

“Daddy tired?”

“Daddy very tired,” he replied, honestly.

He carried her into her bedroom and settled her into bed easily. She might have been perceptive for her age, but she was still young enough not to question him too much. In a matter of seconds, she was tucked into bed and Zac walked out of her room, happy to have at least solved part of his problem—the smallest part.

Taylor stood at the end of the hallway, looking dejected, although his eyes were still as glassy as before. He stared at Zac, seeming to look right through him this time, and said, “I’m so sorry.”

“You should be,” Zac said softly, his voice not nearly as stern or lecturing as he wanted it to be. “Doing that at all, but especially doing it with Cecily in the other room. Did you even think about what might have happened?”

“All I could think is what _is_ happening,” Taylor replied hoarsely.

The rest of Zac’s anger faded away, and he held his arms out to Taylor. They both stepped in, closing the distance between their bodies. Taylor’s body felt like it was on fire, and Zac supposed that was because of the drug coursing through it. He tried not to think about that as he placed a soft kiss on Taylor’s cheek. 

“I’m sorry,” Zac said. 

Taylor shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“In a way, it is,” Zac replied. “I mean, if it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have Cecily and—well, I wouldn’t change that for anything. But all I want is for you to be happy, and I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.”

He hated himself for admitting it. His only hope was that Taylor was too far gone to remember this conversation later. Zac needed to be the strong one; if both of them fell apart, they would never survive this test. And they had no choice but to survive, for Cecily’s sake.

“Hey, no, don’t say that. There’s only room for one fuckup in this relationship,” Taylor replied, his voice a little slow as though speech were difficult at the moment.

“Well, maybe we’ll just have to make room for two,” Zac replied, hating how close he was to tears. 

“Come on,” Taylor said, craning his neck to peer over Zac’s shoulder into Cecily’s room. “I think it’s nap time for us, too.”

Zac wrapped an arm around Taylor’s waist to stop him wobbling as he spun around to walk into their room. There was a part of him screaming that he should not take advantage of Taylor when he was high, but a bigger part of him didn’t care at all. If it would make Taylor happy, he would do whatever it took. Even if it was a fleeting sort of happiness, something that faded even faster than Taylor’s high. Zac didn’t care. It was all he had to give Taylor right then, and so it would have to be enough.

Taylor began stripping out of his clothes as soon as he was inside their bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed, sprawling out in a way that was somehow still graceful in spite of his intoxicated state. Zac almost hated him for being so beautiful, and at the same time, he was so proud to be able to call someone like Taylor his. He was certain he had done nothing to deserve him as a brother, let alone as a lover.

And yet, there he was, practically writhing against the covers before Zac had even finished undressing and crawling over him. 

He kissed a trail up Taylor’s body, landing squarely on his lips. Taylor buried a hand in his hair, holding Zac to him so that even if Zac had wanted to move away, he couldn’t. They kissed until both were breathless, and finally Taylor loosened his grip. He rolled over onto his stomach and gripped the sheets. He turned his head to stare up at Zac and said the one word Zac couldn’t resist. 

“Please.”

“Are you sure?” Zac asked, his voice trembling just a bit. 

“Yes, Zac, please,” Taylor replied. “Please, I love you so much.”

He was manipulating him, but Zac didn’t care. He reached into their nightstand and pulled out the tube of lube they kept there. Taylor might have seemed eager, but Zac didn’t see the harm in making sure he was absolutely ready. He squeezed a little lube out onto his left hand and slid a finger between Taylor’s cheeks. 

Taylor arched his back, bridging the gap between them. Zac’s finger slipped all too easily into him, and was soon joined by a second. After nearly two years together, they had learned each others bodies inside and out, and Zac knew exactly how to thrust and twist his fingers to bring Taylor closer and closer to the edge.

“Zac,” Taylor breathed out, his knuckles white from gripping the sheets. “Please. Now, Zac.”

Zac needed no more encouragement than that. He removed his fingers and positioned himself at Taylor’s entrance. Intertwining his fingers with Taylor’s, he thrust into him in one fluid movement. Their bodies just seemed to fit together so perfectly that Zac could not imagine that this thing between them was not meant to be. 

They fell into an easy rhythm together, both clearly trying to keep their moans down so that Cecily would not wake up. Soon enough, though, their movements became frantic. Zac snaked a hand between their bodies to jerk Taylor off as the same pace. Their bodies were practically glued together by their sweat, and Zac felt as high as he imagined Taylor must be. But the only drug he needed was his brother. 

“Love you so much, Tay,” Zac said as he felt his orgasm coming on.

He buried his head in Taylor’s shoulder and hair, hoping to muffle his moan as he came. The world faded away for a moment, nothing registering to any of his senses but Taylor’s heavy, hitched breathing. 

And then the world came crashing back down on him.

He pulled out and nudged Taylor’s shoulder. “Roll over.”

Taylor did so, and Zac immediately crawled down his body and took Taylor’s cock into his mouth. It was burning hot, practically pulsing, and he knew Taylor must be close himself. Zac sucked eagerly, wrapping his hand around the little bit of Taylor’s length that he couldn’t fit in his mouth.

In only a matter of seconds, Taylor was writhing again, his soft whimpers all the warning that Zac needed. He knew what those meant. Sure enough, with one last upward thrust of his hips, Taylor came, and Zac easily swallowed every drop.

He crawled back up Taylor’s body, planting a soft kiss on his lips before collapsing at his side. Taylor returned the kiss before excusing himself to go clean up. Zac was thankful for the attached bathroom; Taylor left the door open and Zac watched to be sure he was okay. He had nearly forgotten just how high Taylor was, and he wished that memory had stayed gone longer. So much for the afterglow, he thought to himself.

“I hate to ask,” Zac said when Taylor walked back into the room, wearing a pair of boxers he was fairly certain had originally been his, “but what was he even doing here?”

“I don’t know,” Taylor replied, crawling back into bed. “He said he was in Tulsa to work with some band, but I don’t know who told him he’d find us here.”

Zac had a few guesses, but he decided to keep those to himself. He couldn’t possibly believe that any of their family would wish them so much ill as to send Alex there to tempt Taylor. That was a level of evil he didn’t want to believe any of their relatives could be capable of.

“I really am so, so sorry,” Taylor said softly.

“So am I,” Zac replied, taking hold of Tay’s hand and giving it a gentle kiss. “But we’ll get through this. You and I know this is where we’re meant to be. So fuck anyone who doesn’t see it, too. But we know it. And we’re not going to let it go.”

Taylor nodded, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. 

“Now let’s actually take that nap, and I promise everything will look so much better when we wake up.”

“Okay,” Taylor said, leaning in to give Zac a kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Zac wrapped an arm around Taylor and closed his eyes. Taylor suddenly seemed so small in his arms, and he had the sudden sense that Taylor was fading away into nothingness. He could only hope that he could hold on tightly enough to keep that from happening.


	5. March 27, 2005

In the months following Taylor and Zac’s… experience, things didn’t seem to change much at first. Taylor was still withdrawn, but Zac still tried to drag him out to this place or that. There was a subtle change between them, though. Taylor could feel it, and he could see it in Zac’s eyes as well. Nothing would ever be the same between them; how could they be, after what they’d done? The change wasn’t a negative one, though. Taylor found himself accepting Zac’s invitations more often than not, and Zac… well, there was just something different about how he looked at Taylor.

They each had their own lives as well, of course, Taylor found a job--after much pestering from Zac, who had a habit of leaving applications on his counter. It wasn’t much, but it kept his mind busy during the day. As for Zac, he took up classes at the local community college. He tried to talk Taylor into that as well, but Taylor preferred the mental isolation of standing behind a register to actual social interaction. He didn’t tell Zac, but part of the reason was that he didn’t trust himself in that kind of environment, where it would be far too easy to find his way back to vices he had sworn off.

Speaking of, Taylor tried to resist the urge to pick up the phone whenever Alex called. He still gave in now and then, and didn’t turn him away whenever Alex would drop by unexpectedly, but the visits and calls were becoming less frequent. He thought about telling Zac, but he didn’t like to admit to giving in at all. Less of a failure is still a failure, he reminded himself, and he couldn’t bear to see the disappointment he knew he would find in Zac’s eyes if he were truly honest.

When Zac came to him one night, shaking like a leaf, Taylor felt a stabbing pain in his heart. Zac told him his girlfriend was pregnant, but that she didn’t want the baby. He didn’t ask for advice, and for that Taylor was grateful; he was the last person to give advice on relationships, and even less on knocked-up girlfriends. All he could do was sit with him, and that was all Zac wanted, the two of them spending the night sitting on the couch side-by-side in silence.

Their parents had known, of course, and had voiced their disapproval countless times, especially when the idea of marriage was immediately dismissed. They constantly pointed to Taylor, wistfully reminiscing of how his and Natalie’s romance had swelled along with her belly. Taylor cringed every time he was made an example of, feeling physically ill. They were still living under the delusion that Natalie just ‘needed some time’, and that they would ‘work things out’. 

More months went by, and then it was Easter. The whole family was gathered, and Taylor braced himself for a day that would, at best, be only mildly awkward. At least his mother had the grace to not ask if Natalie was coming. But when Zac showed up, baby in his arms and girlfriend nowhere to be seen, Taylor feared the worst. No one said a word, though suspicious glances were cast all around. It wasn’t until halfway through the meal that Zac, staring down at the pink bundle in his arms, answered the question no one had the courage, or daring, to ask.

“Daniela’s gone.”

Taylor looked across the table at Zac. The whole family went silent, even the younger siblings. It was almost comical, the sound of someone’s fork clattering against their plate the only noise. Taylor swore any moment he would hear crickets.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, when it was clear no one else was going to speak first. 

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised,” their mother said, and Taylor could feel the judgement in her tone already. “I never did like that girl, Zac. The fact that she’s saddled you with this baby only proves my point; she was never anything but trouble. I had hoped you’d be able to make an honest woman of her, but…”

“Mom, stop, please.” Zac rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I told you already. She didn’t want to marry me. I… I tried, okay? It’s not like I could force her to stay.”

“So what’s your plan now, son?” Their dad spoke up, sitting back in his chair and eyeing the baby like he didn’t trust it. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, sweetie,” their mom started, folding her hands, “no one expects you to be able to raise a child on your own. The best thing would probably be to let someone else--”

“Are you saying I should, what, put her up for adoption? Are you seriously suggesting I give her up?” Zac scowled, holding the child closer to his chest. Taylor frowned, surprised his parents would suggest that. He looked at Zac again, his heart hurting in sympathy.

“Zachary, watch your tone,” their father warned. He looked at his wife, and then the rest of the family. “Kids, why don’t you go play outside for a while, hmm? I think we have some things to discuss.”

The younger siblings all got up and headed out of the dining room. Taylor stayed in his seat, caught between not wanting to pry, and not wanting Zac to be pressured. Isaac stayed as well, sipping his wine and staring at his plate.

“Look, sweetie,” Diana said, once the kids were gone. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure… it’s even yours? Not to imply anything, but-”

“Not to imply anything? You’re asking if she’s even mine, and you say you’re not implying anything?” Zac’s cheeks were flushed as he stared at his parents, and again Taylor felt a stab of hurt. 

“She doesn’t look much like you,” Ike said, looking at the baby. He gave a dismissive snort and half-smiled. “If anything, she looks more like Taylor.”

Zac blinked, looked down at the baby, and then glanced up at Taylor. Taylor swallowed hard as their eyes met. He could do the math, and he could see it in Zac’s eyes as well. But Zac shook his head, turning his eyes down again.

“That’s crazy. She’s mine. She’s got my smile,” he said, reaching down to lightly touch the baby’s cheek.

“Are you sure she won’t consider marriage?” Diana said, half-sighing. “Taylor and Natalie were in your position not that long ago, and they turned out just fine once they decided to work it out.”

“Just fine?” Taylor spoke up, and all eyes turned to him. “Mom, what part of us being divorced reads as ‘just fine’? Not to mention, our situation was completely different. It’s not fair to compare Zac to that. And did you miss the part where he said he tried, and she said no?”

Zac looked at Taylor, relief and gratitude in his smile, with a bit of surprise.

“Oh, Taylor, you worry too much. She’ll come back, you’ll talk things over. Every couple goes through a rough patch now and then.”

“Rough patch?” Taylor echoed, his hands balling into fists. “She’s been gone over a year now. She’s never coming back, okay?” Taylor could feel his eyes starting to water, but he tried to fight it. “I couldn’t stop her then; I barely even tried. I know we always played happy family for you guys, but trust me, we were anything but fine.”

“That’s for damn sure,” Isaac said under his breath, chuckling. Taylor turned to glare at him; he was one of the few people that knew what Taylor had gone through, having been mutual friends with Alex for a while.

“Taylor,” Walker said, leaning his elbows on the table, “Whatever it was you think you went through, trust me, your mother and I probably dealt with the same thing.”

Isaac actually laughed out loud at that, clamping a hand over his mouth to stifle the noise. Taylor stared daggers at him, but caught sight of Zac, lip caught between his teeth and brow furrowed.

“You have no idea what we, what _I_ was going through. I wish you would stop painting me as some golden boy, okay? I’m so, so far from perfect. And yeah, maybe that’s my fault for hiding it, but do you really think she’d leave for an entire _year_ , and take my son away from me, if it wasn’t for good reason?”

“Tay,” Zac said, concern written all over his face, but Taylor shook his head. It was about time he owned up to his failures.

“I’ve been using drugs. Coke, mostly. I’ve been addicted for… well, for a while now. She found out, gave me the chance to quit, and I didn’t. So no, things aren’t just fucking fine.”

“Jordan Taylor Hanson, you will _not_ use that kind of language in my house!” Diana snapped. She and walker stared at Taylor, and he could see, no, _feel_ them pulling away. She opened her mouth to speak, stopping twice before finally finding her voice again. “Taylor, if… if you’ve got this… problem, maybe… I mean, there are programs...”

“She also caught me fucking Alex behind her back. So tell me Mom, Dad, how do we work that out? Any pearls of fucking wisdom for being not just a junkie, but also gay?”

Their parents stared with wide, horrified eyes. That was their breaking point, apparently. A drug addict was forgivable, but a son who was gay was inexcusable. Taylor felt his heart ice over as he watched their expressions turn from concern, to shock, then disgust. He heard Ike chuckling, but Zac was silent. When he glanced over, he was surprised to see his younger brother’s eyes closed, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“So don’t you _dare_ tell Zac he needs to follow my example,” Taylor went on, turning back to their parents. Again Isaac snorted, but Taylor continued to ignore him; he was no better than their parents, something Taylor had known deep down but hadn’t wanted to admit to himself. 

“We’ll deal with this later,” Walker said, his voice shaking and his face red. He turned his attention to Zac, actually turning his body away from Taylor; it was a subtle move, and probably not a conscious one, but Taylor felt it. “Zac. The fact is, you’re barely an adult yourself; you’ve got no experience, no plan and no clue what it takes to raise a child. And frankly, I’m not sure I like your choice in role models lately.” With that, he glanced at Taylor, and Taylor felt like he’d been stabbed. Hadn’t they just been pointing to him as the perfect role model not five minutes ago? How quickly things change once the truth comes out, Taylor thought bitterly. “I know this is a hard choice to make, but you’ve got to think of what’s best for everyone. Someday you’ll be a man and you’ll be ready to start a family, but right now… I’m sorry, but no.”

All through Walker’s speech, Taylor had grown more and more furious. He was hurt about being shut out, but he’d expected that. Seeing Zac be so cut down, that hurt more than anything their parents could say to Taylor. By the end, Taylor felt hot, angry tears building behind his own eyes.

“Shut up,” he finally snapped, and his father’s head whipped around to stare. “How dare you. God, you really don’t know anything about your own kids, do you? Zac is so talented, and smart, and he can do anything he sets his mind to. He’s… he’s twice the man you used to think I was, and ten times the man you are, because he knows how to love unconditionally. Something I thought you knew, but apparently I was wrong about that. He’s kind, and compassionate, and he’s been there for me when no one else was.” The tears broke free as Taylor turned to look at Zac, who was crying just as much, and Taylor felt his heart swell with pride, and respect, and… and love. Taylor had tried to deny it, but there it was, as plain as day, staring him in the face. Love. He wrenched his eyes away, needing to say his final piece to his parents.

“And and he’s going to make an _amazing_ father. And if you’re too blind and arrogant to support him, then that’s too damn bad. But I’m not.”

Taylor stood and turned to Zac, who nodded and got up without a word. Neither one of them said anything as they grabbed their coats and walked out the front door. Taylor glanced over his shoulder, but no one was following them. Good, he thought. Let that be the final word on the subject. He waited as Zac buckled the baby into the carseat, then the two of them got in Zac’s car, Taylor in the driver’s seat.

“T-Tay,” Zac stuttered, looking at Taylor; his tears had slowed, but hadn’t stopped entirely, and Taylor felt his heart break. In a flash he pulled Zac close, crushing their lips together in a kiss that left them both breathless. 

“I love you,” Taylor said, leaning his forehead against Zac’s. “And I swear to whatever God might be listening, that I will do everything I can to be there for you, and for our daughter.”

“Our…” Zac’s eyes widened and he drew in a breath. Taylor nodded.

“ _Our_ daughter. That’s what she is, Zac. I think she was sent here to you, to me, to save me. _You_ were sent to save me. And I promise, I won’t let you down. I love you so much, Zac, and I’m so, so fucking sorry it took me this long to figure that out.” Taylor could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks again as he stared into Zac’s eyes. For a brief moment he feared he’d misjudged the whole thing, but then Zac smiled, the first real smile Taylor had seen from him since that night on the couch, or maybe since the night at the hotel.

“I love you too, Tay. Let’s go home.”


	6. July 3, 2007

The custody case loomed larger and larger over their heads, but somehow Zac and Taylor fell back into their regular routine easily after Alex’s visit. Taylor had skipped a few days of work and Zac didn’t even have the heart to judge him for spending those days on the couch. He claimed to be sick, but Zac knew better. Still, he figured that after everything, Taylor had earned those few days. After that short break, he had seemed to bounce back and adopt Zac’s relentlessly hopeful attitude.

As for Zac, he had opted to take a few summer classes, but now found himself regretting that decision. He could afford it, but it meant more time away from the apartment, away from Taylor and Cecily. Even when things were going well, it made him anxious to be away from them. Over the past few years, since the end of the band, Zac had struggled to find his own identity. It was now tied up entirely in being Taylor’s boyfriend and Cecily’s father, and while it should have bothered him that it still wasn’t entirely his own, it didn’t. The two of them needed him, and that was all that mattered.

Maybe that meant he depended on them a bit too much as well, but that was okay with Zac.

He only had two classes, but they were both longer than average and left him utterly exhausted by the time they were finished. It was a good thing he didn’t have a long drive back to their apartment, he decided as he collapsed into his car. He had just shifted into reverse when his phone began to ring. He shoved the gear shift back into park and pulled the phone from his back pocket, only to see their babysitter’s name displayed on the screen.

“Hey, Julie?” He said as he answered the call. “What’s up?”

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Taylor never came to pick up Cecily,” she replied. “I was pretty sure it was his day, but if I’m wrong and you’re on your way, that’s great.”

She sounded frazzled, and Zac didn’t blame her. A strange tingle went up his spine and settled on the back of his neck. He shifted the car into reverse again, securing his phone between his ear and shoulder. “I’m not on my way, but I can be. Give me like five minutes.”

“Okay, thank you,” Julie replied.

The line went dead, and Zac tossed his phone into the console. He had no clue what could have kept Taylor from picking up Cecily on time. Zac was sure he hadn’t missed any calls from him that would have explained his behavior. Whatever had happened, the important part was that he pick up Cecily and get her safely home. That was easy enough.

Julie ran a small daycare out of her home not far from campus, catering to non-traditional students. Zac always had to laugh at that term; you couldn’t get much more non-traditional than him. He liked Julie, though. She didn’t ask too many questions and never seemed to judge them. Plus, Cecily adored her. That alone would have been a good enough reason for Zac to keep employing her.

Six minutes later, he pulled into the driveway of her house. The front door opened as soon as he was out of his car, and Zac had to wonder how long Julie had been anxiously awaiting him.

“I’m so sorry,” he said as he took the steps two at the time. He scooped Cecily into his arms, letting Julie put her diaper bag over one of them.

“It’s okay,” she replied. “I just hope everything is alright. I think Tay’s phone must be dead or off or something. I couldn’t get a response from him.”

“I’m sure everything is fine,” Zac replied, giving Cecily a kiss on the forehead. “You know, we’ve just been stressed out lately. He’s taking it rougher than I am, because, well—it’s all aimed at him, really.”

Julie nodded. “How long is it now?”

“Two months,” Zac replied. “Right at the beginning of the fall semester. It’s like they timed it that way just to make it even more stressful.”

“I’m sure they didn’t. They’re just trying to do what they think is best, however misguided and frankly cruel it is.”

“You got that right,” Zac replied. “The cruel part, anyway.”

“Daddy, can we stop at Mickey’s?” Cecily piped up, as cheerful as ever. Zac was glad that they had at least managed to shield her from what was happening. He didn’t know how they would finally explain it to her, and had truthfully been trying to delay it as long as he could, hoping somehow he would figure out just how to explain what his parents were doing.

How could anyone explain that, though? Especially to someone as sweet and innocent as Cecily.

“Sure,” Zac said, forcing a smile and ruffling her hair. “Tell you what, we’ll even get McFlurries too, how about that?”

“Can we bring one home for TayTay?”

“Of course,” Zac replied, then glanced back at Julie. “Thank you so much, Jules. See you later.”

“Later,” she replied, giving Zac a soft smile. “Take care of yourself, too, okay?”

Zac nodded. As soon as he turned away from her, Cecily was off again, exclaiming her great love for McDonald’s fries. Zac had to agree with her, and it lightened his mood immensely to listen to her.

The nearest McDonald’s was a little out of their way, but he really didn’t care. It took only a few extra minutes to go through the drive thru and pick up their meals. He picked up a burger and fries for Taylor as well, even though, just as Julie had said, Taylor was not answering his phone.

In spite of Cecily’s chipper mood, Zac felt his own anxiety growing again as they pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex. It took effort to balance Cecily’s diaper bag along with all the bags of food, but he managed somehow, hardly even smiling as he watched her skip on ahead of him.

Zac caught up with her and put his key in the lock, but was surprised to find that the door slid open easily on its own. That gave him that strange tingle up his spine again, and he cautiously pushed the door open further, but held Cecily’s hand to keep her from running inside.

The apartment was clean, shockingly so. He and Taylor had a tendency toward sloppiness, and trying to keep up with a toddler had only made them worse. He actually double checked the number on the door to be sure he was in the correct apartment. He was.

“Taylor?” Zac called out cautiously. “Tay? You here?”

“In the kitchen,” came his reply.

“Cess? Tell you what, you get to eat on the couch today. But be very, very careful, okay?” Zac decided that whatever was going on with Taylor, it wasn’t something Cecily needed to see.

She seemed to accept his idea readily, and was soon settled in with Spongebob on the TV and chicken nuggets in her hand. With that small problem solved, Zac carried the rest of the food into the kitchen, bracing himself for what he might find.

Taylor stood hunched over the sink, furiously scrubbing dishes. The kitchen, too, had been cleaned until it practically gleamed, and Zac almost felt bad about putting the greasy fast food bags on the table.

“Julie called,” Zac said cautiously. “You were supposed to pick Cecily up; did you forget?”

“I guess I did,” Taylor replied, a strange edge to his voice. “Sorry, I just got so bored here, having the day off. Started cleaning and haven’t stopped yet.”

“I can see that,” Zac replied, taking a few steps closer to his brother.

As he approached, he could see that Tay was trembling. He wasn’t crying or anything, but Zac wasn’t so sure that was a good sign. Zac placed a hand on his shoulder, and he practically jumped a foot in the air.

“Tay? What’s going on?” Zac asked, his eyes widening as he glanced down at the sink. In the process of cleaning the dishes, Tay had scrubbed his hands raw. They were shaking too, and that image brought back unpleasant memories that Zac thought he had locked away forever. Times he thought they had truly gotten past, in spite of Taylor’s recent slip-up.

Taylor spun around to glare at him, his eyes suspiciously yet unsurprisingly dilated. “Nothing’s going on. Why would you think that?”

“You’re shaking and sweating, Tay. You’re practically manic, cleaning the entire apartment in a day. Do you think I’ve forgotten so easily what you looked like back then? And worst of all, you forgot Cecily. You’ve _never_ forgotten her before.” 

“Yeah, well, at least she wasn’t here. At least she didn’t see me like this.” Taylor punctuated the statement with a sniffle, shrugging off Zac’s arm as he reached up to rub his nose.

“I suppose you have a point there. A very, very small point.” A thought occurred to Zac, and although he wasn’t sure he truly wanted the answer. “How long, Tay?”

Taylor turned, all but shoving Zac away from him.

“How long, Tay? How long have you been using again?”

“Since the day you caught me with Alex, okay?” Taylor snapped. “Is that what you want to hear? It wasn’t enough. That one day wasn’t enough. Not with—not with everything that’s happening.”

Zac shook his head and backed away. “I don’t know what I want to hear.”

“Then why are you asking questions in the first place?” Taylor’s eyes narrowed.

“Why are you--nevermind, stupid question.” Zac paused and shook his head. “You know, it’s really hard to like you when you’re like this.”

“I didn’t ask you to like me,” Taylor countered, rubbing his nose again this time so viciously that Zac was surprised that the gesture alone didn’t cause it to start bleeding. “Why would I? _I_ don’t like me. And I didn’t ask for this, you know. Any of this. We knew all along I was just a fuckup, so don’t act like this is so goddamn surprising.”

“I guess it isn’t,” Zac replied honestly. “I just… I can’t believe I fooled myself into thinking you were doing better. That we could get through this. When it turns out you were just fucking high.”

“Surprise!” Taylor said mockingly, throwing his hands up and pasting on an almost scarily wide smile.

“I brought food. If you’re hungry,” Zac said lamely, seeing that there was no point in continuing to talk to Taylor when he was like this. He had missed the worst of this before, only seeing Taylor when he was up and when he was deep in the throes of withdrawal. If this was the Taylor that Natalie had to deal with… well, Zac suddenly understood her actions a lot better.

He turned and walked out of the room before Taylor could say anything else. With a quick glance to make sure that Cecily was still settled in, Zac hurried into her bedroom and pulled her suitcase from the closet. He began shoving things into it at random, knowing that whatever he forgot could be replaced.

“What are you doing?” Taylor asked, appearing in the doorway.

“I’m leaving,” Zac stated plainly. “I just can’t—we can’t stay here. I can’t have my daughter around you while you’re like this.”

“Your daughter?” Taylor echoed.

“Yes,” Zac replied, turning to look at Taylor, who was still shaking, though this time it seemed to be from anger. “You know my name is on the birth certificate. It might be you our parents are trying to get her away from, but legally, she’s mine. So I can take her wherever I want, and where I want is _not_ here with a coke addict.”

Heavy tears began to fall down Taylor’s face, but he didn’t say a word. Zac hadn’t expected him to. What could he say to that? Cecily was, for all intents and purposes, Zac’s. Taylor had to see that, even in his current state, Zac reasoned. And maybe he could even see how dangerous it was for her to remain with him right then.

As Zac packed his own bag, he began to cry as well. Leaving Taylor was a drastic step, but he didn’t know what else to do. If the past was anything to judge by, Taylor would have to hit rock bottom before he would even try to get better. Zac wanted to be there for him this time, too, but it was different now. He had to put Cecily first. He had to protect her.

This would, Zac realized, only give their parents more ammunition, but right then, he didn’t care. He couldn’t even see a way through the next day. Thinking ahead two months in the future was completely impossible.


	7. December 24, 2005

The months that followed Zac and Taylor's rejection of their parents were some of the hardest they'd ever faced. Taylor at least had experience raising a baby, but that didn't make it much easier. There were arguments over diaper changes and grocery shopping and late-night bottle feedings. But through it all, neither one ever voiced any regrets for the decision they'd made. Cecily was theirs, and they did their best to raise her together, as a family.

Slowly, they fell into a routine that almost felt normal. Taylor did most of the cooking, which was just fine with Zac. They took turns doing the shopping until Cecily was old enough to sit up on her own, and then it became a weekly family outing. They went to the park when it was nice out, and the library on chillier days. When the carnival came through in the summer, they spent the whole day together, playing every midway game and collecting a zoo of stuffed animals for little Cess.

Things between Zac and Taylor were awkward for a while, but neither commented on it. They slept in separate rooms most nights; once in awhile one would join the other and they'd lie together, but it never went further than that. Neither one knew what to make of their new relationship, and both were too afraid of bursting the domestic bubble.

More than half a year went by like that, and they were relatively happy. There were times when they missed their siblings, but they both felt it safer to completely distance themselves. Thanksgiving came and went, Taylor prepared a fabulous feast for three, and then it was nearly Christmas. It had always been a favorite holiday for both of them, and they were determined to make it as special as possible.

“That's the last of them.” Taylor set the wrapped present under the tree with the others, and sat back on the blanket.

“Here,” Zac said, coming over and handing him a mug of cocoa. “Thanks for doing the wrapping.”

“It's okay, we both know you're better at ripping them open.” They laughed for a moment, and Taylor patted the space next to him. Zac smiled, a little shyly.

“Speaking of… can we?”

“I suppose,” Taylor sighed in a show of resignation, but he couldn't keep the grin off his face for long. It had always been a family tradition to open one gift on Christmas Eve, and he wanted to keep that one. He turned and dug through the pile for a moment, deciding which present to give. To his surprise, when he turned around Zac already had a small package in his hands.

“You first,” Taylor said, handing over his gift. Zac smiled at him for a moment before heading apart the shiny paper.

“These are those oil paints I was looking at. This is awesome, Tay.” Zac grinned and moved to hug Taylor, but he shook his head and pointed at the box in his brother's hands. 

“Open it up.”

Zac looked at him with amused curiosity, then opened the cover. Inside, there was a small note. Taylor could feel himself blushing, and even shaking a little as Zac read the words out loud.

“To Zac, the one who took a life of grey and filled it with color. Who took an ugly mess and made it into something beautiful. Our love is your greatest masterpiece.”

Zac was silent for a long minute, his head down, his hair hiding his expression from me. Fear rose in Taylor's throat, that he’d said too much, or the wrong thing. 

“Thank you,” Zac said softly. Without looking up, he handed Taylor his present. His reaction, or lack thereof, still had Taylor afraid. His fingers trembled as he peeled back the wrapping paper. Inside was a silver heart-shaped ornament, the center displaying a picture of Zac, Taylor, and Cecily. Engraved beneath the photo were the words, “Our First Christmas”.

“Zac, this is… it's beautiful. Thank you.”

“It's kinda cheesy, I know. But I just want things to be, you know, normal. At least a little. You know? And, we're a family,” he said, his voice catching on the last word. 

“We are.” Taylor reached over and put a hand on Zac's knee. “Look, I know we've been busy with Cess and all, and we haven't really talked about… us. But I think we need to.”

“Yeah…” Zac sighed and picked at the blanket. Taylor took a sip of his cocoa; they both knew he was stalling.

“Why did you ask me to do… what I did, that night?”

“I told you already,” Zac replied, glancing up at Taylor. “Daniela kept talking about it, and I wanted to do something to break you out of your… whatever, and… and…”

“And?”

Zac stared at Taylor, his lower lip quivering and his eyes misting.

“How long?” Taylor asked softly.

“How long what?” Zac snorted. “How long have I been into guys? Or just you? Not that there's much difference…”

“Oh, Zac.” Taylor set aside his mug and wrapped his arms around his brother. As he felt Zac's shoulders begin to shake, his own eyes began to water.

“This is fucked up, isn't it?” Zac said after a minute, his voice catching. Taylor wanted to reassure him, but yeah wasn't exactly wrong.

“Maybe it is, but you know what? I don't care.”

Zac lifted his head and looked at Taylor, a little surprised to see tears forming in his blue eyes. 

“I don't. I meant what I said on Easter. I really believe you were sent to save me. And if this is how it happens, so be it. I love you, in all the ways I shouldn't. But without you, I don't think… I don't think I'd have much of anything left to live for.”

“Tay, no. Don't say that.”

“It's fine. I have you, and Cecily. You're my reason for going on now. And I know that's a lot of pressure to put on you, but-”

Zac kissed Taylor, cutting him off. Taylor sighed into the kiss, wrapping an arm around Zac. 

“So,” Zac said as they finally parted. “We're really doing this? I mean, us? There's a definite us, right?”

“There is definitely an us,” Taylor replied with a soft chuckle. “As long as you want me.”

“Tay? Would you… I mean, can we…”. Zac let out a shaky sigh and closes his eyes. A moment later he felt Taylor's lips pressed softly against his.

“Of course,” Taylor whispered, before kissing Zac again. Without breaking the kiss he leaned back against the blanket, pulling Zac down with him. 

“You're so beautiful,” Zac said, leaning over Taylor and staring down at him. The lights from the tree shone on them, painting them a kaleidoscopic rainbow of colors. 

“So are you.” Taylor cupped Zac's cheek with his palm, his thumb brushing over his full lips. Zac kissed the rough digit, and each fingertip as well, his eyes locked on Taylor's.

“I don't really know what I'm doing…”

“Just do what feels right.”

“It all feels right with you.”

Taylor smiled and nodded. He knew exactly what Zac meant. All the times with Natalie had been forced, an act he had tried so hard to play. And even with Alex and other men he'd been with, something had still felt off. He didn't know if it was funny or sad that the thought of sleeping with his brother felt like the least wrong of all his affairs.

“You didn't want this, right?” Taylor asked, frowning. “I don't want you to feel like we have to do anything. I swear I'm not trying to-”

“Taylor,” Zac said suddenly, a tiny smile playing on his lips. “You're not forcing me, or corrupting me, or anything like that. I swear I want this. I want you. I just… What we did that night, the kissing and the, the touching… That's all I've ever done. With a guy I mean. So, I just…”. He chewed his lip for a moment, his cheeks showing pink even in the dim light.

“Would it help if I told you what I want?” Taylor asked. He'd never been the assertive type; really, he was a textbook submissive. But the dynamic of being the older brother, as well as the more experienced one, helped make things easier.

Slowly, Zac nodded, bowing his head and looking at Taylor through his lashes. He hated having to beg like this, hated not being able to just say - or take - what he wanted. With his girlfriends, he'd always taken the lead. More than one had complained about him being almost too aggressive. He had a feeling Taylor wouldn't mind him getting a little rough, and the thought of doing just that made his head spin. But for now he was completely out of his element, and needed some guidance.

He had a feeling that wouldn't last long. But he was grateful when Taylor smiled and took his hand, guiding it between them. Zac groaned when he felt how hard Tay was as he gripped him through his sleep pants.

“I'd like you to… to suck me,” Taylor said. “Can you do that for me Zac?”

“Yeah,” Zac sighed. His mouth watered at the thought. He’d wanted to, the night of the threesome, but he'd been too nervous how Taylor would react. 

Together they worked Tay's pants and boxers down and off, tossing them to the side. Zac licked his lips as he trailed s hand down Taylor's bare chest. Taylor shivered, arching up against his brother's touch. Zac leaned down and pressed his lips against the hollow of Taylor's throat.

“Please,” Taylor gasped, then mentally kicked himself for falling so easily into his usual role. But Zac chuckled and moved down, kissing a winding path towards what they both wanted. When he finally wrapped his lips around Taylor, it felt so much better than he'd imagined it would. 

“Zac,” Taylor moaned as he reached down to tangle his fingers in Zac's hair. While he'd hoped the move would come off as insistent, to him it felt more like he was grasping at some shred of stability. Either way, Zac took the hint and began to move his mouth up and down Taylor's length. Taylor could hardly believe Zac had never done this before as he expertly worked his lips and tongue and just enough teeth to make Taylor see stars before long.

“Taylor,” Zac said, pulling back and breathing hard. “I want to f- to have-”. He scrunched his nose, still panting a little. He swallowed hard and looked at Taylor with a conflicting meeting of intensity and vulnerability.

“I want to make love to you,” he said quietly.

Taylor smiled, and reached down to touch Zac's face. He guided Zac up and kissed him deeply, wrapping his arms around him.

“I want that too,” he breathed against Zac's lips. “I've wanted that for a long time now,” he said, his eyes watering.

“Me too,” Zac said, sniffling. “Me too.”

Taylor kissed Zac again, tears rolling down both their cheeks. 

“I love you,” Zac said, leaning his forehead against Tay's.

“I love you too, Zac. Show me. Show me how much.”

They kissed once more, and then, bathed in the soft glow of the Christmas tree, they spent the night proving their love to each other. Later, Taylor and Zac fell asleep in each other's arms, nestled among the gifts that paled in comparison to what they'd already given. 

Down the hall, their daughter slept soundly as snow began to fall outside her window, unaware of the subtle change in her family.


	8. August 6, 2007

Almost a month.

It was the longest Zac could remember ever spending without his brother. 

Even Taylor’s honeymoon with Natalie hadn’t lasted that long. Even when they had lived apart for the year and a half Taylor and Natalie were married, they had not gone this long without seeing each other. Although Zac knew he was doing it for the right reason, it was the most miserable he had ever been.

For the last few days of his summer classes, he had been forced to take Cecily to a different babysitter, for fear that Taylor would show up at Julie’s and demand her back. He was reasonably certain Taylor wouldn’t have done anything like that, but he figured he couldn’t be too careful. He didn’t really know Taylor at all anymore, Zac reasoned. 

How could Taylor have fallen so far down, so quickly, with no hint at all that it was happening? It was a question Zac asked himself every day, but one he never came any closer to having an answer for.

Now that his classes were over until the fall, he had a lot of time to think, but none of it did him any good. He had enrolled Cecily in the nearest library’s summer program, and that gave them something to do each day, at least. The library was within walking distance of the hotel they had called home for the past few weeks, one that was close enough to the college campus that Zac wondered how Taylor hadn’t found him yet.

Maybe he wasn’t trying at all.

Zac didn’t know how much longer it would take to push Taylor to the breaking point. He knew he couldn’t be the first one to break; if Taylor was going to recover, it had to be on his own terms. Zac could want it enough for both of them, but his wanting didn’t make a damn bit of difference if _Taylor_ didn’t want it, too.

Zac was slowly beginning to accept that Taylor didn’t want it, at least not yet.

His days fell into an easy, if boring, routine. They slept in late, then spent hours at the library. With plenty of reading material, their evenings went by quickly, too. He tried to keep the room as clean as possible, and that took plenty of time, with a two-year old to contend with. He knew it wasn’t permanent, but he tried to make it feel like home, or at least like a fun vacation. Cecily seemed to enjoy herself, although her questions about her Tay-Tay never seemed to cease.

Three days after the official one month mark, Zac broke.

He had no intention of going inside, but he couldn’t stop himself from driving by the apartment building. Cecily was at the babysitter, because he knew it would only confuse her if he took her with him. He couldn’t really say what had compelled him to do it, other than the fact that, of course, he still cared about Taylor. All of his anger and frustration didn’t change that at all.

As he turned the corner onto their street, an ambulance sped past him. Past it, he could see a cop car still in front of the building, its lights flashing. His heart dropped and he swore he could actually feeling it sitting at the bottom of his stomach, a hard lump that left him breathless.

Zac did the worst job of parallel parking he’d done in his life and leaped from the cab of his truck, practically sprinting across the street. His fears were confirmed when he saw a familiar figure standing at the back of the cop car, talking to an officer.

“Isaac?”

Isaac spun around, and the look on his face said it all. He shook his head.

“What happened?” Zac asked, even though he wasn’t sure he truly wanted to know. “Why are you here?”

“He hadn’t responded to Mom and Dad’s call about the court date, so they sent me to check on him. I didn’t… I didn’t get here in time. They aren’t sure if he—I mean, if it was on purpose or not.”

 _An overdose._ Taylor had overdosed. No one needed to say the word for Zac to understand what had happened, yet at the same time, it all felt like a sick joke. A part of him wanted to get back in his truck and chase down the ambulance, sure that Taylor would be alive inside of it, although Zac knew that even in his recent state, Taylor couldn’t have possibly found such a joke funny. It had to be real, as impossible as it seemed.

“Was your brother suicidal?” An officer asked.

Zac shook his head, then threw up his hands in defeat. “He was an addict. He had relapsed. Is there really a difference? I don’t know, he hadn’t said anything, but we had a fight over the drugs and I left. I should—I should have been here.”

Isaac put a hand on Zac’s arm, but didn’t say the words that Zac needed to hear. That he wasn’t to blame. That he couldn’t have prevented this even if he had been there. That this was no one’s fault but Taylor’s.

The officer cleared his throat. “We’ll have a full report in a few days, but honestly, I don’t believe there’s been any foul play here. We’re sorry for your loss.”

Zac nodded, but the words the officer had spoke barely penetrated the fog that had invaded his mind. Thoughts zipped through it, and he couldn’t process any of them, except that he had no clue how he would go on without Taylor. 

“Can we—can I go inside?” He asked, hardly recognizing his own voice when he spoke.

“I think that will be fine,” the officer said softly.

The transition from outside, with the officer, to inside, standing in the deathly silent apartment with Isaac, seemed to happen suddenly. Zac was sure he hadn’t teleported, but nothing in his life made sense anymore. Time travel seemed to make just as much sense as the idea that Taylor could just be gone.

Zac stood in the middle of the living room, hating himself for wondering where Taylor had been found, where his last moments had taken place. He feared if he knew, he would never want to move from that spot again.

“I didn’t tell the police, but there was a note,” Isaac said, his voice jarring Zac from his thoughts. “It’s addressed to you, but I read it. I don’t know if it will help or not, but it’s obviously something Taylor wanted to say to you.”

He snatched the letter from Isaac’s hand, a part of him wanting to be so angry that Isaac had read it first, while at the same time, he was so grateful that Isaac had let him have this one thing. Why couldn’t he have let Zac have the whole thing, the last thing Taylor had done, to himself? Still, the fact that Isaac cared enough to not just throw the letter away meant something.

The paper had Zac’s name scrawled across the front of it, and he unfolded it carefully.

 

_Zac –_

_I don’t know how to go on. That’s all there is to it. I just don’t know how to go on. Without you, without Cecily… there’s nothing left for me. There’s no reason for me to be here. That’s what I’ve realized since the two of you have been gone. That you’re the only things in my life with any meaning, the only things I’ve actually done right. If I lose you both for good, there’s really no reason at all for me to be alive._

_But please, please, please don’t blame yourself for whatever I fear I’m going to do. It is not your fault, Zac. You’re the best part of me, you and Cecily, and I’m just a useless fuckup. I wish I could be what the two of you need me to be, but I could only do it for so long. You’re both so much better off without me. Our parents are right about me, but whatever you do—don’t let them take her away. She needs you, and I know you can give her a great life… without me._

_\-- Taylor_

_P.S. Please tell Cecily I love her. I know it will be a long time before she understands what happened to me, and maybe she never will. I hope it’s a long time, and I hope the worst details are never something she can understand. I hope she can make it through her life without ever be touched by the kind of darkness that has haunted me for so long. When she’s much older, give her the letter I hid in my sketchbook. You know the one. Maybe the sketchbook itself would help you both to understand me a little better, too, but please don’t burden yourself with the memory of how fucked up I was._

 

Zac carefully folded the letter back along the same creases it already held and put it into his pocket. He couldn’t meet Isaac’s eyes. He couldn’t really see anything at all, not even right in front of him. All he could see and feel was the pain Taylor felt, and even though the letter implored him not to, he did blame himself. 

If he hadn’t left… if he had stayed and tried to help Taylor to see that he _wasn’t_ so bad… 

“It’s going to be okay,” Isaac said softly, and Zac suddenly realized he was in his oldest brother’s arms. He didn’t know when that had happened.

He shook his head, but didn’t reply. How could things be okay? How could they ever be okay again, when Taylor was gone? Of course Isaac couldn’t understand that, though. He didn’t know how long they stood there, Isaac holding Zac while he cried, until Isaac spoke again.

“We shouldn’t stay here. I don’t think it will help. Why don’t we go back to wherever you’re staying?”

“Cecily—I. She’s at the babysitter. How am I going to explain this to her?” Zac hiccuped pathetically. There was no way he could face her like this, but he feared he didn’t have a choice.

“We’ll figure it out,” Isaac replied, taking Zac carefully by the arm and leading him out of the apartment.

When they got outside, he gave Isaac his truck keys and climbed into the passenger seat. The task of giving him directions to the babysitter was mindless enough to distract him from his darkest thoughts, but it did not help prepare him for what would happen when they reached the small day care center and Cecily came bounding out the door behind her new babysitter, Andrea. 

“Daddy!” She cried out, leaping into Zac’s arms, hardly even seeming to notice the tears still streaming down his face.

“Hey, baby girl,” he managed to choke out, bending down to give her a hug.

“Who’s this?” She asked, her attention suddenly shifting to the figure hovering behind Zac.

“I’m your Uncle Isaac,” he said, sparing Zac from having to speak.

Cecily let go of Zac and stood in front of Isaac, looking him up and down. “Do you know my daddy Taylor?”

“I do,” Isaac replied, his voice soft.

“Can we go see him?” Cecily asked, suddenly spinning back around to face Zac. Before he could answer, she shifted moods again, finally taking notice of his tears. “Daddy sad?”

He nodded. “Just a little.”

“Then we gotta see Taylor. He always makes me feel better.” She wrapped her arms around Zac, and he let himself cry into her hair.

Softly, he said, “I wish we could, Cess. I wish we could.”


End file.
